Top 5 Albums/EP’s That DON’T Suck [SEPTEMBER 2018]

Guestbed – Ashtray Parables [Buy it on Amazon]
Ashtray Parables, not to be confused with (but surely inspired by) the Ashtray Monuments of the Jawbreaker persuasion, is the chillest album I’ve heard this year. If every guest-bed was this relaxing I wouldn’t have had so many nightmares about Beetlejuice when I was a kid. Why would I be scared by Beetlejuice you ask? The same reason I was scared by Harry & The Hendersons! Need I say more!!? In truth, this band doesn’t sound anything like Jawbreaker. That’s usually something I would say to express my dislike for something: as in “WTF?!! This soup doesn’t sound like Jawbreaker!” *spits soup on the floor* But in this case, it’s alright, because the tunes here are way cool. Look, I don’t know where you got the idea this blog was going to make sense. Whoever told you that should be locked away somewhere.   Listen on Bandcamp

Criminal Grossness – Criminal Niceness
This is easily the best thing out of Winnipeg since Burton Cummings’s mustache. Here is a photo for reference. Yeah, exactly. You see what I’m saying now. This is high praise. But with all due respect to Burton’s stash, these guys don’t have time to break it to you gently. This whole EP clocks in at under 10 minutes. I think all these songs are sort of inspired by “I Don’t Wanna Walk Around With You” by the Ramones. They even use that line at the beginning, and the rest of the songs seem to follow the same “Boys rule, girls drool/My girlfriends got me totally bummed out” sort of rhetoric. Which, in today’s climate of feminism, is a risky thing to endorse, but I don’t think these guys mean anything by it. There’s no political statement being made here. It’s just an homage to an oddly specific type of Ramones song. The album art is exquisitely refined by the way. Truly majestic.   Listen on Bandcamp

Horror My Friend – Home Life [Buy it on Amazon]
I like my Australian indie punk the same way I like my Australian shrubs. Prickly! This album is the musical parallel of riding your bike into a blackberry bush. Did you know that in Australia the blackberry bushes are the preferred habitat of the venomous blackberry bat? It’s true, trust me. You don’t even have to look this up. I’ve done all the research. You come to my blog, you find new bands and you get the cold facts about nature. That’s what they say about The Doesn’t Suck. That’s what they always say.   Listen on Bandcamp or Spotify

имя твоей бывшей – НАРИСОВАН, ТУТ ЖЕ СТЕРТЫЙ
[Buy it on Amazon!]
Another excellent band emerges from the Russian fog, like a man in a tracksuit, or a trench coat, or an elderly woman with a head scarf, or a pack of stray dogs.. An elderly woman wearing a tracksuit who has somehow tamed and leashed a pack of stray dogs wearing head scarves! Yes! If that doesn’t put this in perspective for you then I don’t know what the hell your problem is. Wait! A pack of stray elderly ladies wearing trench coats.. You know what, forget it. They’ve dubbed themselves north-east emo, which I think is to say they are not another midwest emo band. Which is a shame because we have so few of those nowadays, but not such a shame afterall, because what these guys are doing is equally, if not even more, rad. It’s so cool when bands from far off places reinvent the wheel so to speak. It’s like emo is potatoes and these guys are making vodka. Oof! It’s a relief to finally have the word “potatoes” on my blog.   Listen on Bandcamp

Rockcade – Self Titled EP
If you grew up in a time when video game graphics were terrible and their theme music was terrific, you are automatically obliged to love this EP. You have no choice in the matter. Nostalgia is a powerful drug and you are defenseless dear friend. Why would you want to fight this anyway? It feels so good. You put this on and you’re transported back to some shaggy-carpeted basement with an old couch and a cat you’re allergic to. Look, if you want to piggyback on my memories you’re going to have to be allergic to cats. That’s just how it was. Dogs too, and almost every one of your friends had one or the other, or both. You had a fairly traumatic childhood. Come to think of it, this music is starting to make it difficult for you to breath. Ugh but it’s so dope.   Listen on Bandcamp

ENDNOTES:
Well, it’s October, AKA Death-Month. If you are one of those people who claim to love the fall, I hope there’s a very special place in hell for you. What is it exactly that you like about it though? The constant rain? The rotting leaves? The smell of salmon spawning? The perpetual grayness of everything, including your very soul? You must be one ray of fucking sunshine to find happiness in such things. I bet you’re a morning person too. I hate you. Hey, by the way, my birthday is in a couple weeks! Please don’t send me any b-day wishes, but please do continue to read my blog. Continue to seek out and discover new bands. Support said bands. Continue being music nerds and continue visiting The Doesn’t Suck: the worlds number one new music resource for weirdos. Have a miserable Halloween. Oh! And don’t forget to check the Scrap Heap for heaps of other great releases from September.